I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
