life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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