I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
