Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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