My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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