after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
