Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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