there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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