i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
