there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
