i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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