How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
