So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
