An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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