i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
