i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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