i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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