At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
