apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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