i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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