even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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