I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
