Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
