i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
