yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
