two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I enjoy the company of your penis
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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