My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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