Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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