so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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