My room smells like vodka and shame
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
