the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
