Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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