Heybabeimwearingurpanties
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
