we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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