Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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