Don't make out with my wife yet
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
