You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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