i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
