How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
