dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
