my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
