I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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