Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
