Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
