Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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