this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
