i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
