I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
