Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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