turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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