so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
