Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
