Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I puked a lego.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
