Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I stole a fireplace last night.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?