She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
