just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
