My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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