Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Randomize
